Step by Step

I haven't written on here in awhile. Life had been crazy, however that really is no excuse. So, what has been going on in my life? Well the Lord has totally changed the direction I thought I was going. In the months since I have been home from Kenya I have stated that I was going to be attending a writing school, through YWAM in Texas. I never had peace about this, but it seemed like a logical next step, after doing the Onething internship which taught me about intimacy with the Lord and the importance of prayer, and going to school for my Associates, and then finally going to YWAM and realizing my heart burned for people. I figured, going to a school where I could work and still have Godly training would be the perfect next step.

I love loving people, but I have realized I have an issue with not being able to financially support myself. In short, even though I don't like putting it this way, I believe I can support myself better then the Lord can. This is the root of the rough few months I have had with the Lord.

After returning home from YWAM with a heart on fire and a new perspective I went back to work, despite the fact that the Lord had been pressing on my heart to join YWAM staff. I have described the last few months as my 'Jonah season' meaning, the Lord has been asking me to do something that terrifies me. He was asking me to say 'yes' to being a missionary, and 'yes' to having to depend on Him for my finances. I, with all of my logic ran in the opposite direction. I took on extra responsibilities at work, and pushed my School of Writing application through. I was spending little time with the Lord because, as we all know in His presence it is hard to run. I finally reached the place where I was exhausted, spiritually and physically, from running myself so thin. So, I finally decided it was time for a long talk with the Big Man. I just sat in His presence and said, "Lord, show me my passion. I feel like I have lost what you have called me to do and I don't know why." this is when He showed me even though He was continually putting up road blocks to Texas I would jump over them, dive under them, use a chain saw if necessary to cut it in half. Whatever I had to do to not face the fact that He was calling me to missions. It ended with me weeping and saying, "God whatever you call me to, whatever you ask of me. I just want to be passionate again." I got in my car the following day and this song was playing,

"I don’t want to ride on somebody else’s passion

I don’t want to find that I’m just dry bones

I want to burn with unquenchable fire

Deep down inside see it coming alive

Help me find my own flame

Help me find my own fire

I want the real thing

I want Your burning desire

Do what only You can do

In my heart tonight,

There’s no better time

There’s no better time

There’s no better time

There’s no better time"

Talk about the Lord saying, "you're on the right track!" The next week or so things like this kept happening. I would receive scriptures, things in books I was reading, the Lord speaking through others. I am confident that this is what the Lord is calling me to. I have a mixture of emotions, I am excited and nervous, because this is unfamiliar ground for me. I feel like I am acting like Rapunzel in Tangled.

Whenever I question the Lord though my mothers words pop into my head, "Hannah, you're acting like the children of Israel." So often we wonder how the children of Israel could question if the Lord was going to provide when He had proved His faithfulness repeatedly. However, I know many times in my life the Lord has provided, there has not been one time that I have not made it. "Seldom early, but never late." Of course in hindsight, seeing the whole story of the Israelites we can say they should have believed. There is no difference between them and me. We serve the same God and He is still faithful.